Honestly, kinda glad that things are starting to work out a little bit better after the fiasco on sunday. I do wish that things could go back the way they were but i think its also better that we progress forward.

Im starting to see all my mistakes and i realized that i might have been too lazy to find out things from her from the start. I was just waiting for her to give it to me. And that has caused this chasm that has separated us. I wanna fix this. I know it.

Lately been kinda feeling that i’ve ruined my entire relationship with my girlfriend. I just can’t shake that feeling off and its making me really uncomfortable and i desperately feel like i need to fix it. Although things seem like they went back to normal, I still feel like it didn’t. I really wish i wasn’t that flawed of an individual to have caused so much pain and suffering to her.

I feel like things may be different now. But i’m not giving up. This journaling is actually helping me put a voice to my words so that i can stop lying to myself and telling myself that everything is fine. To think that the journalling ive been putting off so long is actually helping me so much.

Thank you. I need to grow. Day by day. To give my feelings a place to rest and to help give peace to myself.

I really wish I can change everything that happened. I wish that I had been more caring. To be more aware of myself. I wish I hadn’t done all that to have caused her so much pain and to doubt herself so much. There’s very little I could do now and there’s not much i have on hand now that can convince her that I am willing to let go of my demons to become a better person. I just have to do it. Legitly. I told her that I will never react to her again and i will respond accordingly and i plan on upkeeping that.

When she told me she don’t even know if she would want to get married, I was okay with it. Not because I don’t want to marry her, but because i feel that I myself aint even ready for that much of a commitment when I dont even put in enough work on myself. I had plans to pop the question actually within the next two years but I have to re evaluate everything and make sure that i’m fully prepared. Not because all my friends are getting married and settling down and i feel pressured to follow suit. I’m my own person now.

That doesnt mean settling down isnt a good thing. I do want to settle down. I want a place of my own, where I can live without being shackled by the expectations of my parents. Where I can sleep beside her every night and wake up to her face. It’s been a goal of mine for quite a while already and I really wanna do it. So bad.

The future is so uncertain. I’m so underprepared for it. It’s scary. But I don’t want to be stuck in the present forever. Time will move on without me and I need to progress too.

Also, mamamoo’s new song HIP is stuck in my head as a pseudo distraction while im writing this so i dont get overly emotional. Its such a good song. Stan vocal queens yo!

P.S. I almost fell asleep without writing this but I just had to. It’s really bothering me that since that day, everything feels weirdly tense between us. I worry so much for us. Just as this morning where she didnt say good morning to me I actually fucking panicked and couldnt keep my thoughts shut. I thought she had enough of me. Calm the fuck down yo. Also if you’re reading this, reason why i don’t tell you directly because i feel like it might be a better way to articulate me for who I am without trying to fit your emotional state and trying to get rid of my people pleaser self at the same time. There are no secrets here and everything is an open conversation. I’m willing to share everything I can.

Today is Singapore comic con day. I love comic con. It is huge, being a celebration of pop culture and everything related to comics. It was nice to meet some of my fellow friends and artists again. I bought quite a few comics at 25% off and it was nice to see my girlfriend during dinner time.

Speaking of relationships, does a couple really need to be in 100% perfect sync in order for the relationship to work? I feel like there’s much more involved and I might not be finding out what keeps a relationship together.

Although after starting this blog I have gained some clarity, it might not be enough. I really do need to see things with a clearer eye though, and I hope the counsellor can give me some help soon.

I cutted my hair today. Yay. Also, I went to my friend’s house to cheer him up and at the same time pass a gift to my other friend too. He liked the gift alot. It was a nice bomber jacket and honestly, the material is one of the best materials for a jacket i’ve felt so far. It was nice.

I recently got into this boomer shitposting group where everyone in the group, who are actually Millenials and Gen Zs, shitposts and pretend they are an actual boomer. I’m also an admin as the page founder made me one. Recently, the admins and moderators created a group chat discussing how to regulate the posts of the group so that things dont go out of hand as satire can really be interpreted the wrong way. I gave some suggestions on what to do as well.

This group isn’t about us hating boomers or what, but it also begs the question, what exactly can be considered satire? I discovered that there is a thin line between satire and an attack and honestly, there are indeed a lot of stupid people in the world that don’t understand satire. Where does the thin line appear at? These are actually my thoughts for yesterday but I forgot to write them out.

Will this group help me think with the mindset of a boomer and understand them better? Who knows? Maybe after a while i can have a new appreciation for boomers.

Today is my girlfriend’s birthday. I wish that I could have celebrated with her but she already had plans. Its fine. I’m content with making sure that she is happy on her birthday because she deserves it, after all. Work so hard, there must be some enjoyment in life involved as well. Also, all the mention of the Japanese food by her made me crave for Chirashi don with the tempura crumbs in it so im salivating so hard now gosh… What a nightmare to be thinking about japanese food at 12am in the morning.

Another note is that I went to the TCM tui na place to get my aching back fixed. They did the cupping thing and it was alright but then when the TCM practitioner pressed on the places where I injured myself hard, it was super pain and I kept groaning in pain. Ouch. I also asked her to help me fix my shoulder which has been bothering me for a while.

Later that night, i found out from my mom that the TCM practitioner and her are very good friends and they’ve known each other for 11 years. Since 2008. Thats super long. Wow. Interesting.

My back has so many bruise spots and when i left the place, i read up about cupping. Apparently, many sources think its a pseudoscience but ill just give it the benefit of the doubt because I would like to think that it helped me with my sore back and my shoulder problems. Also, after that, I went to clarke quay central and ate pasta at the don don donki area. The pasta was not bad but it was also pretty salty. I ate the okonomiyaki style prawn pasta. It was like eating okonomiyaki except without all the veggies and the egg. I miss the okonomiyaki from japan. Ugh, talking about food again at this hour and now im hungry again.

I made a promise to my girlfriend to make sure that I will change myself proactively and to do that, I acknowledged all the issues I had and had to stop lying to myself.

When I reached home, I got scolded by my dad when i told him that my light was spoilt. Then i got scolded for coming home late with the car and bring the chamomile tea from dinner up. My dad is getting angrier and angrier and finding new things to scold me by the day because im jobless. And im doing nothing by playing video games and watching videos all day. I admit, I havent been looking at jobs much mainly because the job market aint great and im super afraid of rejection but I should just apply and try my luck right?

I sometimes always feel that theres always a big difference in a boomer mindset and a millenial mindset. I feel like my parents pressuring me to get a job is one thing, but they don’t know how hard the job market is like now currently, especially for someone like me doing arts and animation. Housing is expensive, job security is low, barrier for entry for jobs is so high and the choice of jobs I have isnt much. I dont want the passion for my craft sucked out of me but at the same time if i dont find a job soon every day of my life at home is going to be a living hell. Plus money of course. I wish there was more understanding in my family and my parents would actually listen to me once in a while instead of insisting that their way is always right.

This comes down to my lack of self confidence. I have super low self esteem. Its something ive been dealing with for a while now and right now its getting in my way of the job hunt. My parents always insulting me and scolding me is not making my life easier. At this point of time, i feel like i will never get my dream job or even an entry job at ubisoft. The feeling sucks when you worked so hard in Uni only to have it all be not applicable and useless once you get out in the market. I’m struggling to cope with this transitional period but all my parents are doing isnt helping me either. Id wish they would for once just understand that I have issues instead of assuming I’m this or I’m that. This dumb asian culture that asian families dont talk about their feelings is damaging me on the inside and I’m really looking for a chance to escape it the moment i can, start a different life with my girlfriend and foster a kinder and more understanding household.

I’ve been relying on my girlfriend too much as an emotional support and also been lashing out at her in explosive outbursts. This is as much damaging to her as it is to me. I should figure out a way to process the much deep seated resentment and doubts in me into something healthier.

I’ve decided to create this blog to pen down me thoughts and have better clarity of my own feelings and emotions. Here are some key points i need to take note of my life:

1. I have got to stop being so carefree and waiting for life to give me whatever I want. If i want change, I need to action on it.
2. I also need to have a place to record down my emotions and feelings. Hence this blog. Duh.
3. Another point to note is to stop finding excuses for myself and to be as truthful as much as possible. This means I have to stop lying to myself.

These will be the three main points that will govern this blog and help me find clarity. I will put this post as the featured post so that I will always be reminded of what I created this blog for.