I really wish I can change everything that happened. I wish that I had been more caring. To be more aware of myself. I wish I hadn’t done all that to have caused her so much pain and to doubt herself so much. There’s very little I could do now and there’s not much i have on hand now that can convince her that I am willing to let go of my demons to become a better person. I just have to do it. Legitly. I told her that I will never react to her again and i will respond accordingly and i plan on upkeeping that.
When she told me she don’t even know if she would want to get married, I was okay with it. Not because I don’t want to marry her, but because i feel that I myself aint even ready for that much of a commitment when I dont even put in enough work on myself. I had plans to pop the question actually within the next two years but I have to re evaluate everything and make sure that i’m fully prepared. Not because all my friends are getting married and settling down and i feel pressured to follow suit. I’m my own person now.
That doesnt mean settling down isnt a good thing. I do want to settle down. I want a place of my own, where I can live without being shackled by the expectations of my parents. Where I can sleep beside her every night and wake up to her face. It’s been a goal of mine for quite a while already and I really wanna do it. So bad.
The future is so uncertain. I’m so underprepared for it. It’s scary. But I don’t want to be stuck in the present forever. Time will move on without me and I need to progress too.
Also, mamamoo’s new song HIP is stuck in my head as a pseudo distraction while im writing this so i dont get overly emotional. Its such a good song. Stan vocal queens yo!
P.S. I almost fell asleep without writing this but I just had to. It’s really bothering me that since that day, everything feels weirdly tense between us. I worry so much for us. Just as this morning where she didnt say good morning to me I actually fucking panicked and couldnt keep my thoughts shut. I thought she had enough of me. Calm the fuck down yo. Also if you’re reading this, reason why i don’t tell you directly because i feel like it might be a better way to articulate me for who I am without trying to fit your emotional state and trying to get rid of my people pleaser self at the same time. There are no secrets here and everything is an open conversation. I’m willing to share everything I can.
Chicken Rice Jia Fan 